Socorro.
El autor de este blog me ha secuestrado. Amenaza con matarme, y va muy en serio. Tengo mujer, tres hijos y un perro llamado Gordo. Ayúdenme.
Les explico sus demandas. Según parece, la derrota que supone que su anterior post no haya generado un solo comment ha dañado irreparablemente su enfermizo ego. Tras febriles noches de reflexión, se le presentaron varias opciones:
- Declararse en huelga de opinión y no comentar en ningún blog que no fuera el suyo propio. Abandonó esta idea al darse cuenta de su total absurdez.
- Rastrear cada visita a través de su contador y matar a los visitantes silenciosos uno por uno, en el que sería el crimen en serie con el móvil más difícil de identificar de la historia.
- Secuestrar a alguien y obligar a toda la blogosfera a comentar masivamente el hecho en su blog, en una delirante venganza carente de toda lógica.
- Tomarse una tila.
Desgraciadamente para mí se decidió por la tercera opción. Paseando esta tarde por el parque diez ninjas me apresaron, y me han tenido hasta ahora amordazado en un cuarto húmedo repleto de ratas hambrientas. Por favor, ayúdenme. Este blog es un monumento al patológico egocentrismo de su creador, y su deseo de notoriedad está a punto de provocar una tragedia irreparable. Si nadie comenta nada desde este momento hasta dentro de 48 horas exactas, me enfrentaré a una muerte digna de la peor de las pesadillas posibles. Por favor, no les cuesta nada seguir el juego a este absoluto demente.
Auxilio.
COMENTEN.
127 comentarios:
¡DEMENTE!
Sr. secuestrado. No será éste el comentario que le salvará el pellejo.
Juanjo, no lo sueltes, hazle sufrir...y haz un corto con todo el material. El snuff vuelve a estar de moda.
Ah! Tenemos el deber de intercambiarnos links. La promoción es nunestra única esperanza.
¡Increíble! Mis visitantes son aún más sádicos que yo. Me congratula enormemente, y lo siento por este buen padre de familia. Le había tomado cariño.
¡Mátalo!¡Mátalo!
Pero, pero, pero...
Me colocan ustedes en una situación difícil. Se supone que el trato consistía en que si alguien comentaba este post, ese pobre infeliz salvaría la vida. Algo limpio, sencillo y seguro. Pero no, ustedes tienen que complicarlo.
A ver con qué cara le digo yo a este hombre que ha habido un cambio de planes.
Enola, diga algo.
Ays, es como un niño pequeño, patalea concienzudamente por un poco de atención..
Venga, que para una vez que pasan de ti escribes un artículo lloriqueando porque nadie te quiere.
Sico marica.
Gorzas, cuide su lenguaje. Tengo aquí diez ninjas a los que el último secuestro les supo a poco.
Estimado Juanjo,
¿Ha hecho usted un buen trabajo secuestrando a esa criatura...? En realidad, no pasa nada, el mundo no pierde mucho con uno más o uno menos...Así que, ¿en serio piensa usted que el secuestro de un ser insignificante, al que ni tan siquiera conocemos, nos va a hacer reaccionar? Ay, de verdad que en el fondo tiene usted hasta buen corazón...Abra los ojos, nadie hará nada por salvarlo, ni tan siquiera la Madre Teresa de Calcuta de este nuevo milenio, Paris Hilton. Yo pienso, y permítame decirle, que quizás, acabando con él, le esté haciendo usted hasta un favor a esa pobre criatura, ya que sería tan triste seguir vivo sabiendo que a nadie le interesa realmente que lo esté...
Maldita sea, ¿acaso debí haber secuestrado a alguien de mayor relevancia social? Usted menciona a Paris Hilton, y no sería mala candidata, pero lo malo de los secuestros es que después hay que aguantar a la víctima...
De verdad, esto de la deshumanización está poniendo dificilísimo el antaño bello arte de secuestrar.
Y encima ese pobre desgraciado tenia un perro llamado Gordo...eso encrudece aun más las cosas. ¿Merece realmente la pena una existencia tan gris? ¿Merece este ser salvar su vida cuando en su mensaje de auxilio menciona el estúpido nombre de su perro y no de su esposa e hijos? ¿Qué clase de individuo enfermo es éste?
Estimado Juanjo,
Veo que usted no ha sido consciente de que el secuestro de Paris Hilton no hubiera mejorado las cosas. La gente es insensible al dolor de los demás. También pueden serlo a veces al mal gusto, a la vulgaridad, a la ordinariez...pero cuando se sobrepasan los límites, como es el caso de Paris Hilton, créame usted, el mundo apoyaría sin lugar a dudas el asesinato de este repugnante ser, y por favor! cómo a ella le gusta, grabado y colgado en internet...
Hum... tiene razón. Recuerde que Paris Hilton también tiene perro, y aunque nadie sabe cómo se llama, puedo asegurar que su secuestro conmocionaría a un mayor porcentaje de población que el de su dueña.
Está bien, ¿qué propone? Dígame a quién secuestrar y enviaré a mis ninjas.
Si se propone usted misma, me encargaré personalmente.
¿Quién podría resistirse a la tentación de contemplar la muerte de semejante esperpento mientras grita que que al menos le salven la vida a su permanentado perro? ¿Quién puede desearle la vida a alguien que ha gastado en la permanente de su perro suficiente dinero como para alimentar a todo Haiti sin ningún tipo de remordimiento? Seguramente la gente pediría antes la vida del perro que de ella. En otro tiempo y en otro lugar Paris hilton hubiera sido carne de sacrificio...
Permítame decirle que es usted la mujer ideal. ¿Dónde se ha metido todo este tiempo?
Estimado Juanjo,
Secuestre usted a alguien entrañable, al protagonista de aquella memorable serie: "Un chapuzas en casa" y de esa gran película "Menudo Santa Claus" o a alguien como Torrebruno en caso de que siguiera vivo...
O qué sé yo, a Miguel Bosé si es que alguna vez vuelve a tener la fabulosa idea de torturarnos con un programa de interminables entrevistas...
No sé, no piense solo en usted, ya que lo hace, favorezca también a los demás. Plantéeselo como un beneficio para la humanidad.
¿Miguel Bosé? Nada de eso. El método que tengo para interrogatorios consiste precisamente en un disco de "Tu amante bandido". No me gustan los secuestrados inmunes a mis torturas.
Estimado Juanjo,
¿De verdad quiere saber dónde he permanecido todo este tiempo? Diez horas de tirones en una peluqueria de lujo, otras tantas aprisionada en un diminuto bolso de Chanel, horas y horas de repugnantes visiones de porno amateur, 34 horas de insultos prolongados de mi boca mientras ella, que piensa que me gusta su nuevo modelito, me chupa los morros...Sí, ahora lo saben, ya saben mi nombre, soy Enola, la perrita de Paris Hilton...por favor, mi plan ha sido descubierto pero, le ruego que siga adelante, acabe con ella de una vez!!!!
Usted a mí no me engaña. No me conmocionará con banales dramas caninos. Estoy seguro de que usted no es la perrita de Paris Hilton. ¿Sabe por qué? Porque la perrita de Paris Hilton NO SABE ESCRIBIR EN CASTELLANO.
Sólo en inglés. Y con faltas.
Es verdad, lo reconozco,mentí. no soy la mascota de Paris Hilton, pero es que tuve miedo de haber expresado mis opiniones tan abiertamente, temí que Miguel Bosé tomara represalias y me torturara haciéndome ver 100 veces seguidas su primera actuación en TV1 cantando Don Diablo.
Lo siento, hasta ahora lo único que puede usted saber de mi es mi nombre.
Por caridad Enola, al menos confírmeme su pertenencia a la especie humana. Créame que para mí conocer este dato es de vital importancia, en especial en las solitarias veladas nocturas que...
¡Ejem...!
Si se puede considerar humano a alguien que, por las circunstancias que sean, y que no vienen al caso, está escuchando en este momento a Milli Vanilli, sí, esté usted tranquilo, pertenezco a la especie humana...
Dios...qué manía con esto de poner etiquetas tiene la gente...
Cierto, qué manía de poner etiquetas... ni en la morgue nos libramos de ellas, es un auténtico engorro.
Por cierto, ¿qué es eso de que no vienen al caso las circunstancias por las que está escuchando Milli Vanilli? A mí me gusta saber con quién hablo, de modo que este dato viene MUY AL CASO.
Estimado Juanjo,
Mis mejores amigos en el pequeño pueblo norteamericano en el que me hallo, una pareja de gays que vivieron su juventud en los 80s, me grabaron 8 "lligas", como dice uno de ellos, que es de un pais de Centro-America, de música y aquí me hallaba yo escribiendo un ensayo comparativo entre la visión de la conquista de Perú y la muerte de Atahualpa que tuvieron los cronistas españoles, y la visión bien distinta que ofrecen las representaciones indígenas del mismo hecho. En esas estaba yo escuchando una canción de uno de mis artistas favoritos, Rufus Wainwright, cuando al terminar una preciosa canción llamada Natasha, el reproductor de Windows Media cambió de canción de manera aleatoria y salió esa canción de mili Vanilli, "Girl, I'm gonna miss you", de esas de las que ni siquiera te puedes reir porque era una baladita sin más y yo metida en un denso artículo de crítica postcolonial la dejé sonar hasta que reparé en que la estaba escuchando. Esas eran las circunstancias...
Estoy asustada, temo que el haber sido tan sincera en este mensaje lo ha dejado desprovisto de comicidad. Eso sólo me hace pensar en lo triste que puede llegar a ser la existencia humana...
Quizás después de esto ya no vuelva usted nunca a sentirse interesado por mi.
Muy por el contrario, estimadísima Enola, realmente me ha conmovido esta revelación, y con su torrente informativo ha colmado definitivamente mis ansias por saber más de usted. Tamaño interés ha causado en mí tal manifestación que no puedo sino hacerle una pregunta proporcional:
¿De verdad utiliza un reproductor de Windows Media?
Estimado Juanjo,
Me deja usted patidifusa con semejante pregunta...Por supuesto que mentía de nuevo. ¿En serio piensa usted que iba yo a revelarle a cualquiera en un foro cualquiera una información de tal magnitud? ¿En serio pensaba usted que yo iba a ir por ahí revelando de qué reproductor me valgo para escuchar música...? Por una vez le diré la verdad: todo lo que he dicho hasta ahora es mentira.
¿Quién se puede creer que alguien se halle perdido en un pueblo remoto de US, escribiendo sobre Atahualpa y escuchando Mili Vanilli? ¿De verdad le encuentra usted sentido? Sinceramente, me ha defraudado usted, le creía más sensato.
Usted me tranquiliza con esta nueva versión de los hechos. Tiene razón, demasiados datos contradictorios para ser ciertos.
Es como si yo le dijera que en estos momentos me encuentro redactando un reportaje a doble página sobre entidades bancarias mientras escucho el "De natura sonoris" de Penderecki. Un absurdo imposible de creer.
Diálogo muy hawksiano y con mucha tensión sexual, sin duda.
Largo, larguísimo, pero interesante...
Oiga, no haga teoría fílmica con estas cosas. Se lo pido por las buenas.
Enola, Juanjo... id a un motel.
Con cariño, pero... madre mia, que parrafadas.
¿Ha pensado en la posibilidad de no leerlas?
Cómo dirían Los Ilegales: "Señora, si no le gusta mi careto, cambie de canal" Si no le gustan no los lea. Bien dicho, Juanjo.
Hay que ser duro con las nuevas generaciones. Debemos recordar que ellos crecieron con Xuxa, mientras que nosotros lo hicimos con los Electroduendes y Kiko Veneno disfrazado de Frankenstein.
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